My Janet! I know that we do not share the same feelings but I feel as though you have ripped out my heart and torn it into shreds. I can understand the vast class divides between us. I once commented maliciously on your poor and obscure ways. And have come to love you as small and plain as you are. But, what I don’t understand is why you left me with nothing! No note, nothing! I know that you did leave me with an empty room, empty soul and an empty heart. Could writing this letter be pointless? I have no other choice; my thoughts and feelings are all in disarray.
I wish I had had one last chance to bid you farewell. When you and I first met we disrupted the evening calm. My deception led you to believe that I was not Mr Rochester and that I did not even know of him. You stood by my side and led me back upon my horse. That may be the reason why you left! Had I not deceived you as much as I did and told you how I really felt you might never have left. Even when I proposed to you Jane, it started with a lie. I know I’ve done wrong, I’m extremely sorry! When I wanted to find out how you felt about me I posed as a gypsy.
I only wanted to know if you felt the same way about me. I did not want to make a fool of myself if we did not share similar emotions. When you saved me from the fire, Jane, my fondness for you grew. I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you; your expression and smile so intense with love. I have compared you to a bird! And still see the image of a peaceful creature in its cage awaiting a chance to get free. You are free my love, free as a bird, you have flown away from me and gone to survive on your own. I hope in time you will fly home, back to me.
Looking back into the past, I can state my love for you, Janet, was so intense, so passionate and still is at this moment in time. I cannot express how I feel without signifying my anger towards you as I felt and still feel extremely hurt, as I have not yet received a letter to inform me how you are. After all I have done for you, after everything we’ve been through together! Jane, I also want to apologise, which is a first for me. I myself can admit that my actions were extremely severe and I behaved very irrationally. I did intend to commit bigamy and make you an unknowing accomplice in my crime.
How evil that was of me! I am a truly evil man! I believe you bewitched me at our first meeting; your fairy form possessed a powerful hold over me and lured me into a surreal world. At the beginning of our courtship I never thought that you would come so close to becoming my wife. What were my words? “Soon to be Jane Rochester! ” I believe I spoke too soon. I remember one of the first things you my little elf said; “I cannot think of leaving you” if I recall rightly. How close you were to being Jane Rochester! I’m an unfortunate fool, so I am, missing out on a chance to become your partner for eternity.
I still get flashbacks of our wedding day- the wedding that never happened. It left me bleeding inwardly for the passion of our love. When I saw Mason’s face in that church I could have died. And then forcing you to face the foul fiend may have pushed you just too far. But, Jane, my good angel, my better self, I thought that you would understand. I guess I was wrong! How am I meant to endure a lifetime of so called marriage to that ghastly goblin? When I took you to Bertha’s haunt you stood so grave and quiet at the mouth of hell I thought that was a good thing.
But now I regret showing you the demon in her lair at all. You seemed so calm at the time were it that you were stunned into a shocked silence? Or were you just pretending to accept what happened? I would rather you just confronted me about the situation than keeping it to yourself. Was my bigamy that wrong? Do I not deserve to be happy? My dear, Janet, I entirely believe that you were sent to thornfield to be my eternal companion. It was meant to be! I can remember where I proposed to you, beneath the orchard tree-, which is so lonely now, just like my soul! I was the jester; you are and always will be the dove!
Your presence alone overcome me and gave me qualities I never knew I had before. You made me laugh; you made me feel whole. Now that you are gone there is a great gap in my soul! My dove, I believe I have laughed for the last time now, now that you are gone, now that you have flown from my grips. I have and always will love you, Janet. I no that you are gone and I would just hope you knew that you mean everything to me, always did an always will. I can recall the time we walked through the orchard hand in hand. The time when Adele started to speak English more fluently. That was all down to you, Jane!
Adele has now come to terms with your absence- that is one thing I will never be capable of. You taught her all she needed to know and more. When I look into her eyes all I see is your pretty face. Jane, you have left your mark all my belongings, everything visible or not. I can feel the mark you have left on my heart and, Jane that’s the biggest mark of all. Jane! My dear! My Janet! You are the only one ever to melt my firm exterior and reach my lax interior. What good is it now that you are gone? I have nothing left. You were my rock! My soul! My life! Is there any point in continuing my existence?
If my true love is gone I may as well go too. My soul is dead now, my heart is dead and so my body may as well die too. Jane, you were my true love, you are still my true love, you mean everything to me and I cannot continue without you. What can I do? I have nothing to live for and nothing to exist for now that you are gone. I am nothing without you. Writing this epistle was a waste of time with no address to forward it to. I have already lost you, Jane, my sweet! I thought that this letter would soothe my feelings for you but I guess my instinct was wrong yet again. Farewell, Jane, my true loves!