It has been almost three years now since it happened. It’s not that long until we face the 3rd anniversary. I can only remember the number of years that has past because my sister got married. Just five days after it we thought it all had finished, but really the hurt had only just begun. And now almost three years later I still hurt inside, wishing that it didn’t happen in the first place or that I could turn back the clock to make things right again. Nobody in my family has really been the same since it all.
I suppose I better explain myself because you probably don’t have a clue who or what I’m talking about. It all started around April/May in 1999. It was my Nanna, she became very ill and I was really worried about her because she looked pale and had hardly any energy in her, this was not like the Nanna I knew. So my Grandad, her husband for almost 50 years took her to the Doctors. I prayed to God that it wasn’t anything serious and that she would be ok. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my Nanna.
She was always there for me where my Dad wasn’t. I have never had a proper Dad because my biological father left my Mum while she was still pregnant with me so I’ve haven’t had the chance to meet him either. I would someday like to meet him but at the moment it’s not possible because I have no idea where he may be. Although I have tried searching for him a few times, these searches have proved unsuccessful.
I have always felt close towards my Nanna because she drove herself all the way from Oxford down to Hemel Hempstead to watch me being born, held my Mum’s hand where my dad should have, and she was the second person I saw after my Mum.
Over the years my Nanna tried making it up to me because I didn’t have a father. She pointed me in the right direction at times. She offered me advice if I would ask for it, she praised me in my school work if I had done something good or got good effort grades, she offered support where support was needed and she inspired my in my life as a Christian.
Well my Nanna went to the Doctors and when he said he wanted her to have blood tests I was getting more and more anxious as the time went on. The results came back and to the shock of the entire family and the many friends she had made by being the loving, friendly person everyone wants to be like, We found out that my Nanna had Ovarian Cancer. As soon as I found that out thoughts started running through my head like, is my Nanna going to die? Can it be cured? Why her? She’s never done a bad thing to anyone in her life so why does she have to suffer?
I started praying that God would save her and that things would be alright again. I prayed that my Nanna, the closest person to me besides my Mum, wouldn’t be taken away from me. I wanted to believe that she would make it, pull through, I really tried to believed that my Nanna was strong enough or that God would help her get stronger but if I’m honest with myself I knew almost from the beginning that she wouldn’t live through it. I just didn’t want to believe it.
The night my Nanna died was one of the worst nights that I’ve had. It was 1st June and our family was called to go and see her quickly because the doctors sensed she was getting near the end. I wanted to go to say goodbye to my Nanna, there were things I still needed to tell her. I wish I could have told her that I loved her one more time, let her know that we still cared and I still needed her. I would have tried to tell her to hold on but unfortunately I wasn’t allowed to go because my Mum felt that it would have been too upsetting for me.
When my mum came back she phoned me at a friend’s house and told me to come home straight away. I knew what had happened. As soon as I opened the door I just fell into my Mum’s arms and we both started crying. I couldn’t believe what was happening even though I was sort of expecting it to happen. I didn’t think it would be this soon. I felt like I had just lost a very close friend but because it was my Nanna the feeling I had was worse.
I became depressed and cried every time I thought about her. I just couldn’t get over the fact that the woman who had always been there for me was just suddenly gone. It was a horrible feeling to have someone who’s always there in your life just be gone as quick as that without having a chance to say goodbye to them.
At the funeral it was an emotional day, most of my Nanna’s friends that she’d made through the Salvation Army she grew up in, were there and all of the family too. By the end of the service there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. My Nanna was a wonderful person to so many people and helped them in a lot of ways, I don’t think many people could understand why such a bad thing could happen to a dedicated Christian and such a caring friend to everyone. It just didn’t seem fair. My Nanna helped everyone in whatever way that she could or knew how to.
My Nanna taught me that I should try to be friends with everybody even if they are different to you. She taught me that I should care for others and try to help them in times of need. She helped to have faith in God and always do my best in whatever I do. My Nanna was there to help my Mum and me when I didn’t have a father. She taught me many valuable things during her life and influenced me in many aspects of mine. It is for this that I wish to thank her for everything that she has done for me. Without her I don’t know where I would be. Her death made me appreciate the things I have now and not take them for granted. I also realise that life is too short, I must live each day as if it is my last and do all the things I wish to do before I die.